Tonight, Animal Planet will premiere, “Mermaids: The New Evidence,” the follow-up to last year’s special, “Mermaids: The Body Found.”
I have no plans to watch. Indeed, I only recently learned of these mockumentaries from my niece, a self-described believer in mermaids.
As she pointed out to me, “We have all this ocean. There are mermaids out there somewhere.”
When I countered with facts, she called me a Debbie downer and added, “I still like to think they’re out there, being awesome.”
It’s good to believe, so I will not try to sway her. And, who knows, maybe she’s right. Before I start believing, though, I’ll need answers to these questions.
What do mermaids eat? The diets of ocean fish include other fish, plankton, and insects. But do we really want to think of a mermaid feasting on the still-beating heart of a fish she seized from the water with her delicate fingers? Mermaids are supposed to be mysterious, seductive and classy. They’re supposed to use the right fork and wipe their mouths with linen napkins. They’re not supposed to be role models for Gollum.
How do mermaids use the bathroom? When I posed this question to my niece, she answered, “The same way fish do.” Okay. I’ll accept that. Not that I understand how fish use the facilities, either, but whatever.
Now we come to the hub of my disbelief – mermaid procreation. Seriously, do mermaids have a working reproductive system? What does a pregnant mermaid look like? Does she boast a baby bump? Where does the merbaby come out? How does the merbaby come out?
And, most important, how is it put in?
“Someone She Always Has Known” is available here http://www.amazon.com/dp/1484900952